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The
World According to Student Bloopers
One of the fringe benefits of being
an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional
jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted
together the following "history" of the world
from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected
by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth
grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were
called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and
traveled by Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain
areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The
Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge
triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
The Bible is full of interesting caricatures.
In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and
Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children,
Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma.
Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark.
Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons
to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of
Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to
make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red
Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread
made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went
up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David
was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought
with the philatelists, a race of people who lived in
biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500
wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn't have
history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns--
Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother
of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
intolerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer.
Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the
last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually,
Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher
who went around giving people advice. They killed him.
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races,
jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The
reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government
of Athens was democratic because people took the law
into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece,
as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb
over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they
fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
Eventually the Ramons conquered the
Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never
stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets,
the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar
extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The
Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who
would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle
to them.
Then came the middle ages. King Alfred
conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of
Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by Bernard
Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their
necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free
man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
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